


All Or Nothing

by KlivianJade



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9157741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KlivianJade/pseuds/KlivianJade
Summary: Mara realizes her own mortality and decides to make a drastic change.





	1. Coming Clean

**Author's Note:**

> Consider this my equivalent of a virgin sacrifice in the hopes that 2017 will not be quite as shitty.
> 
>  
> 
> This fic is dedicated to my sweet friend who went out in a fiery blaze. You used to say that I probably wouldn't even come to your funeral, and I had hoped that I would never have to but I proved you wrong, just like I always loved to do. Words cannot describe the gaping hole that you left in my chest. Writing is the only thing that seems to help me forget. You are still so very loved, wherever you are.

Luke Skywalker stood on the roof of the Jedi Temple on Yavin IV wearing his usual black garb when he spotted a familiar ship entering the planet's atmosphere. Sporting a goofy grin, he reached out with his force sense to lightly brush against the trader piloting the Jade's Fire. Instead of feeling her familiar, fiery aura he felt only an empty void where his friend should have been. The panic was radiating off of him in waves and he was unable to reign it in. He sprinted to the hangar bay, using the force to augment his speed. 

The Fire touched down just as the Jedi Master burst through the doors. He vaguely noticed that he had picked up a few companions, no doubt unsettled by his churning emotions, but he was too focused on the new arrival to respond to their questioning. He stopped abruptly, several meters from the ship as the ramp slowly descended. With his right hand hovering over the hilt of his saber, he mentally prepared himself for the worst. Behind him he could sense Corran, Kam, and Kyle doing the same. The seconds felt like hours until Mara Jade appeared at the top of the ramp. All four men let out a collective breath when they noticed the ysalamiri draped across her shoulders.

"Kriff Mara! You had us all on edge!" Luke exclaimed, gesturing towards the creature. "And frankly I don't recall ordering any of those."

"This one is mine, actually." She muttered, unwilling to look any of them in the eye.

She removed the lizard from her shoulders and walked back into the ship to return it to its nutrient frame. By the time she descended the ramp for the second time, Luke could feel her anxiety. He then took in her haggard appearance. She had dark circles under her eyes and looked like she hadn't been eating. He was about to chalk it up to Mara pushing herself too hard (she had a tendency to do that) when he noticed the light bruising around her neck. If she had been traveling with a ysalamiri and unable to heal herself, those bruises could have been over a week old. She felt Luke's spike of worry through the force and held her hands up in surrender.

"I am so sorry, it wasn't my intention to frighten you...I should have commed first..." She suddenly found the toes of her unusually scuffed-up combat boots interesting. "I shouldn't have come here."

Luke felt a wave of extreme anxiety wash over Mara. Before she could retreat back into her ship, he reached out and grabbed her hand. "If something is wrong then you were right to come here. You are always welcome here Mara." His voice was warm and comforting and it gave her the strength to continue.

"I've come to request a meeting with the council." She smiled sadly.

"N...Now?" Luke stuttered. He clearly wasn't anticipating that.

She nodded, pleased that she could still throw him off balance.

Sensing the determination in her force sense, he turned away and began to call the other council members via com link. Of course he could have contacted them through the force but he was trying to avoid using his powers for frivolous things. He turned to Mara.

"We will meet in the council chambers in five minutes." 

She took a deep breath, mentally steeling herself for what she was about to do. They walked side by side, never speakin, into the council chambers. Luke, Corran, Kam, and Kyle took their seats on the raised dais while Mara stood on the level ground before it. Within minutes, the other council members (Tionne, Streen, Cilghal, and Kirana Ti) had taken their seats.

Luke was the only master, but he chose to have a surrounding council to ensure that no one had absolute power. Only the Sith dealt in absolutes. Luke began the meeting. 

"Mara Jade has come to Yavin IV seeking council. Unless there are any objections, I will let her explain." His encouraging nod helped more than he even knew.

"I have come to request entry to complete my Jedi training." She could feel the pride swelling in Luke's chest. The other Jedi didn't look as enthusiastic.

"Why should we believe that you would take your training seriously? Why now?" Kam asked in a respectful tone. It was a legitimate question and one she couldn't dodge if she wanted to make this work.

"Something happened to make me realize my own mortality. I am not quite as capable as I once thought." She said through clenched teeth.

"I am sensing there is much more to it than that." Streen spoke quietly.

Mara took another deep breath. Although she had known that it wouldn't be that easy, she had still hoped the council would accept her vague reasoning. She slowly relaxed her shields and began to speak.

 

"I was on Corellia. It was a routine Intel gathering mission. In and out. I met with a few informants and had a drink at one of the less seedier bars nearby. I let my guard down." She hung her head and took a deep shuddering breath. "I was heading back to the Fire when I noticed that I had picked up a tail. I turned down an alley and when he followed, I turned to disarm him. Apparently they were counting on that because five other men came out of the shadows. I didn't even have time to react." She paused briefly, gathering her emotions into a neat little pile. 

"One of them stuck a hypo injection into my neck and everything started to blur." She fought back the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. "I later found out that it was a mixture of ysalamiri essence and dirty spice. Just enough to blur the senses but not enough to cause unconsciousness. They wanted me to be aware of what was happening. Three of them held me down while two men beat me and a third stood watch. Eventually the beatings stopped and they started to tear at my clothes." She clenched her eyes shut as she fought back the painful memory. 

"I woke up in a med center with the words "traitor" and "murderer" carved into my chest and stomach and an incredibly annoying doctor trying to hold my hand and tell me that "everything was going to be alright." They didn't even know who I was because the bastards took everything; my clothing, my weapons, my identification...everything. I thought that all of my training as the Emperor's Hand was enough, but it's not. Not anymore. I didn't come here for your pity. I came here because I need help and I'm no longer afraid to admit it."

The damn finally broke and silent tears cascaded down her alabaster cheeks. She stood unmoving while she waited for a response. Minutes passed before she had the courage to look up at the Jedi in front of her and she was shocked to see unshed tears in all of their eyes. She felt a flash of anger surge through her bones before she realized that they weren't looking at her with pity, but pure concern for a friend. Friend. Yes she could consider each one of them a friend and for the first time, she was okay with that. Pushing people away was exhausting and it had never worked in her favor. Might as well try something new. Feeling the waves of comfort rushing towards her, she wrapped her arms around herself and sank to her knees. She had barely touched the cold stone floor when she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her. She fought through decades of conditioning and loneliness to let herself sink into the Jedi Masters embrace, needing comfort and reassurance now more than ever. The Emperor always said that emotions made her weak, but then again, the Emperor was long dead and she was still standing.

She vaguely remembered being shaken before the darkness took her.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

She woke to the sounds of Yavin IV's wildlife coming through the open window. A brief wave of panic washed over her before she recognized her surroundings. She was relieved to find herself fully clothed, only her boots had been removed.

"Come in." She called.

The door slid open to reveal a worried looking Luke Skywalker.

"How did I get here?" She asked, slightly embarrassed. 

"You collapsed from exhaustion in the council chambers. I carried you here along with Cilghal. She didn't touch you, he added quickly, she just performed a quick scan to determine the reason for your collapse. You scared me." His voice broke. 

"I'm so sorry...Kriff!" She swore as more tears threatened to surface. 

He cautiously sat down on the edge of the bed. She knew what he was doing. He was afraid he would scare her and she could feel him physically holding back from embracing her yet again. 

"I'm not broken Luke." She whispered. 

He looked into her eyes filled with complete agony. "I know."

He cupped her cheek and pressed his forehead to hers. She soaked up every drop of his force presence like it was a canteen of water and she had been lost in the desert for a week. She craved it like a potent drug and for the first time in her life, she felt stronger for it. His thumb stroked her jawline and he whispered, "You are so strong Mara. I am going to help you through this any way I can."

She didn't need the force to know that every word he spoke was truth. He would never hurt her the way those men in that dark alley did. He would never turn away from her or break her spirit. 

She was pulled out of her musings by the loud growl of her own stomach. "Traitor." She whispered. 

Luke immediately burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter and she was helpless in her fight to remain stoic. Luke rolled off the bed and landed in a heap on the floor which only caused her laughter to increase. Her sides were aching and she was sure she would be split in two when Kam Solusar poked his head through the door followed by Corran Horn. 

"Everything alright?" Horn questioned with one eyebrow raised. 

"Never better." Mara breathed out between fits of laughter.

Tionne appeared at the door way. "I made caf and breakfast for everyone. I figured we could multitask and eat while we converse."

"Brilliant idea my love." Kam said as he kissed his wife's cheek. 

Corran made a gagging noise that only served to make Luke and Mara's laughter even louder. He let out a chuckle. 

"You guys can join us when you compose yourselves." With an inconspicuous wink he shut the door and Mara and Luke found themselves alone yet again.

All laughter ceased as blue eyes met vivid green. 

"I know you don't want me to be, but I'm proud of you Mara." He breathed. "It took a lot of strength to come here and I admire you for that."

"It was hardly an act of courage. I had no where else to go...nowhere I felt safe save Yavin IV. I feel safe with you." She laid it all out on the metaphorical table. It was all or nothing with her. Mara didn't do things in halves. 

Luke recognized this and took her hands in his. "I will never betray you Mara. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, even if you don't want me to." She smiled a true, genuine smile and he reveled in it. "We should join the others." 

"Of course. I'd like to freshen up first if you don't mind."

"Take as long as you need Mara."

And with a warm smile that did funny things to her insides, he left the room.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

Mara exited the fresher feeling like a new woman. She felt pure and clean for the first time in her meager existence. She pulled on a loose white tunic and black leggings. Deciding to leave her feet bare, she ran a comb through her wet locks, adding a frizz taming product as she ran her fingers through her hair. She checked her appearance in the mirror one last time before reaching for the access panel on the door. She took a deep breath and headed for the apartment's kitchen.

Walking down the hallway, she could hear the laughter of the Jedi and she almost let that unnerve her. She never understood blissful happiness, among other emotions, but she found that she envied them.

Catching her train of thought, Luke cleared his throat. "Feeling better?" He asked, genuinely concerned for her.

"Much." She stood there rubbing her arms self-consciously, suddenly remembering why she left the Academy in the first place. She found it tremendously difficult to break past her own barriers and form relationships with others. Just another kriffing gift from Palpatine, she thought bitterly.

"Mara..." Luke started but was quickly interrupted.

"Out of my head. Now"

"Sorry." He shrugged sheepishly.

Corran handed Mara a cup of black caf, which she accepted gratefully. She took a seat at the table directly across from Luke as she sipped the caf. Noticing that the only other people at the table were Kam, Tionne, and Corran, she began to worry that the others wanted nothing to do with her. Maybe she shouldn't have come after all...

"Mara, this time I swear I am not in your head, but you are projecting. The others are currently teaching classes. I asked Kam and Tionne to be here to discuss your new schedule. Corran is here for the free food." He jabbed his thumb in Corran's general direction.

"Say whatever you want Master, but this is much better that what they serve in the mess hall." The Rogue Squadron pilot said around a mouthful of food.

Mara started to laugh. It was liberating, just laughing and enjoying the company of others. Had the Emperor never known friendship? How could one want to be isolated from the rest of the galaxy? It was a brief thought, one that she hoped no one picked up on. 

"Wait, you said 'schedule,' does that mean...?" Her voice trailed off.

"We would love to have you here Mara. I don't know why you would think any different." 

Mara nodded, feeling elated but she was cautious to keep it bottled up. She had much to learn, of that she was sure.

 

* * * * * * * * * *


	2. Deeper Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara faces one of her many demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm winging this. If you have any suggestions I am completely open to them. I know this isn't typical Mara. Keep in mind that this Mara is battered and is completely shifting as a person, bare with me!

Mara arrived at one of the main training rooms at 0800 sharp. She ran through a series of stretches while she waited on the Master himself to arrive. At approximately 0813 the farm boy stumbled into the gym mumbling an apology about oversleeping. Mara tried to keep her mirth at bay. Luke pulled his tunic off, leaving his tanned, muscular chest bare. He caught the quickening in Maras force sense and immediately turned to her in apology. 

"I'm sorry I didn't think." He reached for his tunic and she grabbed his arm. 

"It's okay Luke. You don't have to worry about making me uncomfortable. I'm still the same person."

He nodded, dropping the tunic. Mara returned to the center of the training mat and took a defensive stance. "Hand to hand?" He questioned. 

"Yes, please." Her grin was feral. 

He crouched slightly, slowly inching towards her. This was their favorite game after all.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

After fighting for nearly three hours, Mara had won four rounds and Luke two. It also appeared that they had attracted a crowd. It completely threw Luke off his game when he sensed the presence of his twin sister. Mara floored him with a loud thud that knocked the breath out of him. He could hear his brother in law laughing as he tried to clear the stars swimming around in his head. Mara was kneeling over him in a flash. 

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, I...I lost control..." 

He grabbed her hand, accepting her help as he stood. "I'm fine Mara." He smirked at her concerned expression. Before he could point out that it was his own fault for being distracted, Han Solo was slapping him on the back in good Corellian fashion. 

"She kicked your ass kid! Hey Jade! Nice form on that last choke hold!" He slapped her on the back as well, albeit a little lighter.

"Thanks Solo, I don't suppose you're here to go a round with me and farmboy?" She questioned. 

"Nah just here on vacation, I don't think her highness would let me fight with you guys any how." He muttered conspiratorially. 

Mara giggled. (Wait. No. Mara does not giggle. Or...maybe she does...) Leia then interrupted their banter with hugs all around. Mara stiffened slightly when it was her turn, hoping that the Chief of State didn't notice. She wasn't that lucky, however. 

Leia pulled back abruptly to regard the fiery trader. "What's wrong?" 

"I'm just not really a hugger." Mara muttered trying to avert Leia's questioning gaze. 

"Oh...okay." She wasn't convinced, but decided not to push Mara. "I apologize I guess I just got carried away."

"No it's fine, really. It's something I'm working on." Mara offered a genuine smile which Leia returned in kind. 

Sensing the need for a subject change, Luke interjected. "Where are the kids?"

"Chewie took them to the mess hall. I was hoping you could join us." Leia had one eyebrow raised.

"Sure, you hungry Mar?" He asked his sparring partner.

Judging by the former Princess of Alderaan's posture and body language, Mara was able to come to the conclusion that she hadn't intended for the invitation to extend to the ex-assassin. 

"No thanks, I think I'll join some of the others for meditation. Catch you later farmboy." 

And with that, Mara grabbed her things and left the training rooms.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

Fighting back the urge to run force-knows-where, she wondered down one of the many quiet corridors in a vague attempt to calm the storm of emotions building in her chest cavity. "Snap out of it jade! What is wrong with you?" She hissed quietly. "Great. Now I'm talking to myself." 

"As long as you do not start answering yourself, I think you will be just fine."

She spun to face whatever bastard had the nerve to sneak up on her when her blood ran cold. Standing before her was the shimmering force projection of the man who was once Darth Vader. 

"I don't believe I've ever seen you speechless Emperors Hand." He observed.

"That name no longer has meaning for me." She spat. 

"Good. It's about time you started to break through your conditioning. It's just a shame that it took such a vile act to wake you up. It is imperative that you continue the process." He spoke calmly with no malice. 

"What in the nine Corellian hells would you know about anything?" She growled, feeling the anger spreading from her toes to her scarred fingertips. 

"Easy Jade." He held up his hands in a gesture that was meant to pacify her. "The force knows everything, and I am part of the force..." He let his thought go unfinished. 

"Ha! If you are implying that the transitive property is applicable here, I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken, Vader." She bit out his former name like it was a rotten piece of shurra fruit. 

"Listen child," she flinched as his force projection grew stronger. "That name no longer has meaning for me." He threw her own words back in her face. 

She huffed out a breath as she sank to the floor, defeated. "What do you want from me? Come to rub it in my face that I'm completely worthless now?"

"I am sorry if that is what you think of me."

"Yeah well it's not like you were exactly warm and caring." She snorted. Before he could reply she asked the one question that had been burning her alive for as long as she could remember. 

"Why me?" When he didn't answer, she took another approach. 

"What did I do to deserve this?" Still no answer. 

"SAY SOMETHING DAMN IT!!" She turned and slammed her fist into the duracreete wall behind her and let out a frustrated scream before dissolving into heart wrenching sobs. Her hand was throbbing mercilessly but she had barely even registered the pain when she made out the form of Kyle Katarn running towards her. She quickly glanced around, seeing no trace of the ghost of Anakin Skywalker before the man came to an abrupt stop beside her. 

"Jade, are you alright? I heard you scream...shavit Mara! Your hand!" He exclaimed, looking back and forth between her hand and the cracked wall in horror. 

"I'm fine." She muttered, suddenly feeling tired.

"No, you are not! You need to see a healer immediately. I'll take you to Cilghal." He helped her up off the floor and grabbed her shoulders when her knees started to buckle. 

"I'm fine, just give me a minute..." Her voice trailed off as she immersed herself into the deep current of the force, letting it wash away some of her fatigue and anger. She took a few deep breaths and felt her pulse return to normal. Kyle took a step back half in awe and half in complete shock at what Mara had just done. He hadn't even mastered the technique in his three years on Yavin IV. She slowly opened her bright emerald eyes and nodded to the speechless Jedi before her. No words were spoken as they walked to the Academy's equivalent of a med center. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * 

 

Luke was listening to his niece and nephews' recap of their latest adventure when he felt a ripple of frustration through the force. He brushed it off. It wasn't uncommon to feel hints of emotions when surrounded by so many Jedi. He returned his attention to his family as they all laughed at joke he wished he hadn't missed. Leia caught his last thought and reached across the table to grab her twin brother's hand. 

"Are you sure you are alright Luke? You seem distant."

'For the fifteenth time Leia, I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Would this have anything to do with Mara Jade?" She questioned.

He winced before he could catch himself. Straight to the point and about as tactful as a rancor when it came to her brother; that was Leia alright. 

"Cut her some slack, she's been through a lot." He stopped himself before he could reveal too much. 

"I just worry that she may be toying with you". 

"Toying with me? What the kriff is that supposed to mean?"

"Easy kid." Han looked over at Chewie who nodded and shooed the children away to explore some more of the temple.

"Aw but it was just getting good!" Anakin whined, reminding Leia so much of her brother. 

"I do not sound like that!" Luke whined, cringing at the tone of his own voice. "Okay, maybe a little." He muttered. 

Leia stifled a grin. "All I'm saying Luke is that I don't want to see you disappointed if she decides to leave again."

"Things are different now..." He suddenly felt a stabbing pain in his mechanical hand, shooting up through his elbow. He held back a grunt as he clutched his arm to his chest, trying to breathe through the pain. 

"Luke! What's wrong?!?" Leia exclaimed, catching the attention of nearly everyone in the mess hall. 

"S'all right.: He gritted out through his clenched teeth. He took a deep breath. "It's fading." He visibly relaxed and was left with only a throbbing sensation pulsing from the tips of his fingers to his elbow. 

"What the hell was that kid?" Han looked truly concerned for his brother in law. 

"I'm not sure, maybe it's just faulty wiring...I should have it looked at." His own explanation sounded hollow to his ears. In reality, he didn't know 'what the hell that was' as Han so eloquently put. He continued to rub his right forearm for a few minutes while Han and Leia just stared at him with worried looks on their faces. Luke was lost in thought when his comlink beeped, causing all three of them to jump. 

"Skywalker."

"Master, I think you should come to the healing center." Kyle Katarn sounded out of breath and somewhat dazed. Unusual behavior for the Jedi.

"I'm on my way." 

Before Luke could excuse himself, Leia stood. "I'm going with you." She announced in a tone that said there would be no discussion. They left the mess hall, Han and Leia struggling to keep up. They reached the healing center with no incident and Luke noticed Kyle standing outside of one of the rooms. 

"What's going on?" Luke questioned. 

"It's Mara, I found her in the south corridor. I don't know exactly what happened but the wall was cracked and her hand was obviously broken."

Luke suddenly moved to the door of the sick room when Kyle stuck out his arm, effectively preventing Luke from entering. 

"She's fine Luke, but there is more."

"Isn't there always?" Luke said with a grimace.

"When I found her, she could hardly even stand, and then she ran through a highly advanced pain suppression technique...when she opened her eyes, she seemed perfectly fine. She walked here of her own volition."

Luke looked both proud and unsettled at the news. What else was she hiding from him. He nodded once, saying nothing more as he entered the room.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Mara lay on the single white cot in the small room reserved for patients. Her eyes were closed but he knew she was awake and aware of his presence. Cilghal was putting the final touches on Mara's newly bandaged hand as he slowly approached the cot. 

"You are lucky I was able to re-set all of the bones in your hand. You need to take it easy for a few days and heal. Oh and when you are ready to tell me what really happened, you know where my office is." She narrowed her bulbous eyes in Mara's direction. "I find it very hard to believe that you...(she looked down at her datapad) slipped and fell, resulting in a crushed hand and the need for repairs in the south corridor." 

Mara's face turned a bright shade of red and she stared down at her lap, absentmindedly picking at the fresh bandages as the Mon Cal healer excused herself from the room. "I don't want to talk about it." She muttered to the Jedi Master standing at her bedside. 

"Yeah me either." He said lightheartedly, earning one of her dazzling smiles. "But you know that eventually we have to." 

"I know. Can you just sit with me for a little while...can we just pretend everything is normal?" She looked at him with the innocence of a child, and his heart ached for her, knowing that she never really was one. He nodded, moving to sit beside her on the bed. 

"Just for a little while. Then we have a lot to talk about." 

"Deal." She rested her head on his shoulder and basked in his force presence until she felt her eyelids growing heavy. Briefly remembering the strong pain reliever Cilghal had given her, she drifted off to sleep.

 

* * * * * * * * * * .


	3. Beginning to Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara is on her way to becoming an open book...err...datapad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!
> 
> -KlivianJade

Mara woke a few hours later to the deafening silence. 'Strange.' She thought. 'I could have swore Luke was just here...' Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a man clearing his throat. She instinctively reached for her light saber, forgetting that it had been taken from her some time ago. 

"Even if you had a weapon," the man spoke, "it wouldn't be of much help to you Jade."

"You again." She looked into the clear blue eyes of Anakin Skywalker, the eyes that reminded her so much of a certain farmboy. 

"I certainly hope you have calmed down, anger is of the dark side you know?" His translucent face was alight with humor. 

"Of course you would know all about that wouldn't you?" 

He ignored her stab at him. "How's the hand?" 

"It's fine. Nothing I can't handle." She spat. 

"I don't doubt that Mara. You have been through so much..."

"Don't. Please." She clenched her eyes shut.

"No Mara you need to hear this." She began to fumble with her bandages again, avoiding his uncharacteristically sympathetic gaze. "Look at me." He commanded. (What was it with Skywalkers?) 

She complied as his ethereal form sat on the edge of her bed. 

"I know I wasn't very kind to you in the past.."

She let out a very unladylike snort. "Understatement of the millennium." She muttered. 

"I want to help you, much like my hard headed son." 

"Why? Are you trying to make up for all of your transgressions?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice. "Because if I'm being completely honest with you, we may be here a while." 

"No Mara, I know I can't make up for everything I've done, but I can at least make things right with you. You deserve so much more than the hand you have been dealt." 

Her eyebrows raised in a show of disbelief. "No." Her voice was quiet. "I deserve everything that has happened to me...I'm a murderer." 

"No child, you were a slave. Much like me." 

"Like you?! You weren't stolen as a child! YOU HAD A CHOICE!" She was shouting now. 

"Think about what I have said Mara. We will speak again soon." And just as quickly as he appeared, Anakin Skywalker was gone. Mara let her head drop back on the pillow as she heard the shuffling footsteps outside the door. 

"Mara? I brought you some caf." Luke was standing in the doorway looking apprehensive. "Is everything alright? Who were you talking to?" 

She smiled wearily. "It's not important." 

"Oh no you don't! We had a deal and I upheld my end. Spill it Jade." He handed her the steaming mug. "Careful it's hot." 

"I see that." She gave him a sardonic look as he settled in the chair beside her, propping his feet up on the bed. 

He raised one eyebrow "Well...?" He took a sip of caf and Mara saw her golden opportunity. 

"Your father is an insufferable ass." She said casually, thoroughly enjoying the sight of the Jedi Master spewing caf all down the front of his shirt. 

"WAS an insufferable ass." He corrected her, frowning slightly. 

"IS." She whispered apologetically. 

"I'm not following you. What does that have to do with any of this?" Oh farmboy if you only knew! "Mara...Anakin has been dead for over a decade..." 

"I know that!" She snapped. 

"Maybe you should rest some more. You aren't making any sense." 

She sighed deeply and tried her hardest to stare a hole in the healing centers high ceiling. "I'm not crazy." She whispered. "He was here." 

"When?" 

"Just a few minutes ago." 

"Wait, are you trying to tell me that my father appeared to you as a force ghost?" He asked. 

She nodded. Silence. 'Great.' She thought. 'He thinks I'm having a psychotic break now. Maybe I am?' 

"No Mara, I don't think you are a having a psychotic break." 

"Will you stop doing that?" She was exasperated at this point. 

"I'm sorry Mar, I can't help it. I pick up on your thoughts without effort...I'm not sure why, what with all of the barriers...." His voice trailed off. "And no offense, but why would my father appear to you and not me?" 

"Trust me farmboy, I would gladly pawn him off on you if I knew how." 

"What did he say to you?" Luke was leaning forward now, with his elbows resting on the tops of his knees, eager to catch every word she spoke. 

"Well...the first time--" 

"--Wait!" He practically shouted. "The first time? As in you've spoken to him more than once?" 

She looked down at her lap nervously. 

"Mara, you can talk to me." He put his hand on her right ankle and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

"Please don't be angry with me." Her voice was barely a whisper. 

Luke's eyes widened. "I'm not angry at you! Not at all! It's just...I know so little of my father and even after he has been redeemed...after everything I have been through because of him, he is given the chance to appear...and he still doesn't choose me." He looked completely heartbroken in that moment. 

"If I promise to tell you everything...will it help?" 

His cerulean eyes grew even wider. Mara Jade never ceased to amaze him. She really is different, he mused. "Would you really be willing to do that? For me?" She nodded slowly. His face lit up and she briefly wondered if that was how he looked as a child, back before the galaxy tried to swallow him whole. 

"Just don't push me. I'm still sorting through everything." 

"Of course. You have no idea how much this means to me." His eyes began to feel with tears and he quickly blinked them away. "You'll tell me...if you speak to him again?" 

"Promise." 

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. "Would you like for me to put you in a healing trance?" He asked her, worrying that he might have overstepped her boundaries. 

"I think a healing trance is exactly what I need." She smiled a true smile, knowing she was safe with this man that she had once wanted to murder. 

He stood and began to tuck the blankets around her. He was just about to place his hand on her forehead when he remembered something Kyle Katarn had said. "You were able to heal yourself enough to walk here." It wasn't a question. "Very few are capable of mastering a technique like that." 

She shifted slightly. "It was temporary...something I learned a long time ago." 

Remembering what she said about not pushing, he nodded and placed his hand on her forehead. "Sweet dreams Mara," he murmured. Her eyelids became heavy once again and she slipped in to the dreamless bliss of a healing trance.

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

An hour later, Luke wandered into the mess hall in a complete daze trying to absorb recent events. He was so distracted that he walked directly into Corran Horn, knocking the man to the ground. Luke tried to halt his body's descent but it was a wasted effort and he soon found himself on the cold stone tiles. He had a fleeting thought that perhaps he should commission for a few more cleaning droids. It seemed reasonable now that he was up close and personal with the floor. His errant thought was dismissed as he felt a pair of massive, hairy hands gripping his shoulders and hauling him to his feet. It was at that moment he realized that he had managed to catch the attention of every single sentient in the mess hall. He ran a hand through his unruly hair. 

"As you were." He announced to his audience with a wave and suddenly the hall was filled with chatter. Turning to Corran he offered an apology. "Sorry, I was lost in hyperspace." It was a lame apology and he knew immediately that the clever Corellian wouldn't buy it. 

"Is everything alright Master? You seem pretty shaken." 

By this time Kyle had joined them, not bothering to hide the concern etched on his face. Luke took a deep breath and met the gazes of his fellow Jedi. "I'm fine." He mumbled. "Just a bit of an information overload...I should meditate. We will meet later." It was clear that he was back in Jedi Master mode as he effectively dismissed himself. 

Half an hour of failed meditation later, Luke resigned to wandering around the academy grounds. He briefly considered going back to Mara's med room but quashed the idea quickly. The last thing he wanted to do was creep her out. Deciding instead on turning in early, he made for his rooms when his comlink buzzed. 

"Skywalker." 

"Master Skywalker, we have a transmission from Coruscant." Tionne informed him. "Talon Karrde wishes to speak to you immediately. He says it is urgent." 

"Transfer the call to my room please. I'll be there shortly." He made a mad dash for his apartment not bothering to check his disheveled appearance before pressing the activation on the holo-screen. 

"Luke! What the hell is going on? I've been trying to contact Mara for hours! She never commed when she landed." The Master Trader looked immensely worried. 

"She's fine. She is in a healing trance--"

"--What?!" 

Oops, perhaps he should have taken a different route. 

"If she is fine then why the kreth is she in a healing trance?!" He was livid. 

"She broke several fingers and her wrist. We're not entirely sure what happened. It appears that she got bored and tried to remodel the south corridor." It was a poor attempt at a joke, but it seemed to placate Mara's boss for the moment. 

"Take care of her Skywalker. She has been acting strange lately. We're all concerned for her but don't you dare tell her I said that." 

'Frack! Karrde doesn't know about Corellia!? Why would she hide that from him?' He nodded, hoping Talon didn't notice his surprise. If he did, the Master Trader didn't say anything more on the subject. 

"Please have Mara call when she wakes." 

"Of course." 

And with that, the transmission ended.

The next morning, Luke managed to avoid all conversations on his way to check on Mara. He softly knocked on her the door before pressing the release on the access panel. He began to panic when he realized the room was empty. Rushing over to Cilghal, who was exiting the room across from Mara's, he tried (and failed miserably) to seem nonchalant. 

"Where is Mara?" He questioned. 

Cilghal said nothing but pointed down the hall to the doors that led out to the gardens. He gave her a wary look before setting off in that direction. The Mon Calamari healer tried to hide her amusement at the Jedi Master. Yes. Things were changing.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Luke spotted Mara Jade, sitting cross-legged in the center of the meditation garden. Her hair was absolutely radiant in the morning sun and as much as he hated to disturb her, he just couldn't stay away from her for very long. Yes he wanted to know more about his father, but there was something else he couldn't quite put his finger on.

He quietly approached and sat in the warm grass, facing her.

Her eyes remained closed as she spoke. "Hi."

"Hi." He responded. "Meditating?"

"No, just thinking." She opened one emerald eye to gauge his reaction before offering a genuine smile which he returned ten-fold.

"Do you know why the Emperor took me away from my family? The real reason?"

He was startled by her unexpected question. "Umm...no."

"It was to keep your father in line." Her face twisted in a bitter expression. 

"I...I'm not sure I understand." He stammered.

"Well, Vader thought--"

"--Anakin," Luke interjected.

"No!" She snapped vehemently. "He was always Vader to me."

"I'm sorry." 

"No it's fine." Mara sighed loudly. "As I was saying, he thought you were dead. The emperor let him believe that he had killed your mother before she gave birth and obviously," she waved her hand in front of her, "he had no idea that she was carrying twins." She paused briefly, lost in thought. " I'm not exactly sure how old I am but at the time it was assumed that I was close in age to the child Va..err..your father, thought he lost. I was the constant reminder of what he had done. His punishment was to watch me grow. Now that I think about it, molding me into an assassin was probably only an afterthought...something to do when yellow eyes grew tired of his other games."

"Did you know him well? My father?"

"Yes..." She hesitated before speaking again. "He took a beating for me when I was approximately seven years old. It landed him in the med center for over a month. It was the only time he ever showed compassion towards me."

"Thank you." Luke's smile was brighter than Tatoo I and Tatoo II combined as he crushed Mara in a hug and left a chaste kiss on her forehead. 

"For what?" Her eyes were wide in surprise at the unexpected gesture.

"For sharing your memories with me." He whispered.

"You might not want to hear much more. It gets pretty ugly...especially towards the end," she grimaced. 

"I need to know. I want to understand." 

 

* * * * * * * * * *


	4. Nothing A Quick Rinse Won't Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More conversations with a dead man, Corran goes for a swim, and Mara lets go.

The mess hall was chaotic as younglings, Jedi, and even a few non force sensitives enjoyed their morning meal. Leia on the other hand couldn't bring herself to touch the food on her plate. Something was bothering her twin brother and she was hell-bent on figuring out what. She had a pretty good hunch it had something to do with the sudden reappearance of a certain red-head.

It's not that she didn't like Mara Jade. The woman had saved her family countless times and Leia had even considered her a close friend. She knew Luke cared for the ex-assassin, a blind rancor could see that, but she worried about the possible repercussions of a closer relationship between the two. Leia had been subjected to a single round of interrogation by Darth Vader himself many, many years ago and she still had the occasional nightmare. She couldn't imagine the life Mara had been forced to endure. She came with quite a lot of baggage and Leia wasn't quite sure that her brother needed that on his plate.

Speaking of Luke, she hadn't seen him since the incident in the mess hall last night. Deciding on a course of action she pushed back her plate and moved to approach Corran.

"Good morning!" She greeted cheerfully. 

"Good morning your highness!" He replied   
jokingly. "What can I do for you on the hideously humid morning?"

"Actually, I was hoping you could tell me what's been eating at my brother." 

"Oh no. No. No. No." He shook his head vigorously as he jabbed a finger in her direction. "I am not getting in between you two! If you want to know what's bothering him then go talk to him yourself!" 

"So you DO know what is going on." She stated.

Corran continued to shake his head as he stood and put his index fingers in both ears. Abandoning his mug of caf on the table, he sprinted from the mess hall in true Rogue fashion.

That only left one other option: Kam and Tionne. The couple was quietly conversing as they sipped their morning beverages and poured through datapads. She wasn't really comfortable enough to approach any of the others on the subject of her brother. As she casually strolled towards them, Kam Solusar could feel the ripple of determination emanating from the woman through the force. 

"Incoming." He whispered to his beloved wife who in turn ducked her head to hide the grin on her face. 

"Madame Chief of State." Kam mimicked a half bow to her. "How are you on this fine morning?"

"I believe Corran referred to it as 'hideously humid' but I am well thank you." She practically beamed at them. 'Okay Leia, don't over do it!' She mentally chided herself. "I was actually hoping you two could shed some light on my brother's current situation."

Kam and Tionne shared a brief look before he returned his gaze to the former princess of Alderaan.

"I really don't think that it is our place to be discussing Master Skywalker's personal affairs."

"Affairs?" Shavit! Did she say that out loud?

"No, you misunderstand!" Kam replied hastily. "I just don't believe it would be wise to discuss any 'potential situations' without him present."

Seeing the need for some to-the-point input, Tionne looked Leia directly in the eyes as she spoke. "Go speak with your brother. He may be more receptive if you simply listen."

Leia blushed an unflattering shade of fuchsia as she nodded, "Thank you." Retreating from the mess hall, she sought out Luke's presence, hoping to catch him before his morning meeting.

"Two sides of the same coin." Kam spoke when she was out of earshot, Tionne nodded in agreement as she sipped her herbal tea. 

"Two sides indeed."

 

* * * * * * * * 

 

Mara dried her hair with a towel as she sat on the edge of her bed. It felt good to be out of the sterile healing center and in her own room. Her hand was healing nicely as well. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all. 

'Wrong as usual' she thought as she noticed the shimmering force projection of the redeemed-but-dead ex-sith lord who was currently sitting at the top of her shit list. She rolled her eyes at him. "What now?" She asked. "And have you ever heard of knocking? Or how about just not showing up at all?"

"Are you always this verbose in the mornings?" He questioned.

"Sorry, you caught me before my morning caf." She snorted sarcastically as she stood and walked back into the 'fresher to brush her mane.   
Spotting her comlink sitting on the counter, she switched tactics. Turning it off speaker mode, she entered Luke's personal frequency. Before she could press send, however, the comlink was ripped from her grasp and flung to the far side of her bedroom.

"Now Mara, I only came here to speak to you. I couldn't harm you even if I wanted to. It is not the will of the force." He spoke softly, taking on a fatherly tone. "All you have to do is sit down and listen."

She briefly considered her limited options before appeasing him by returning to the room and taking a seat. "I'm all ears." She said expectantly.

"Good." He seemed surprised. "I've noticed that you have grown rather close to my son."

"I thought this was a lecture, not an interrogation." She retorted dryly. 

"I was merely stating a fact. It's ironic isn't it?"

"If you don't have anything better to do than speculate on things that are quite frankly none of your business, then I believe we are done here." Mara stood and headed for the door.

"Wait. Please...I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable." His tone was sincere and pleading, something she had never experienced from the man.

"You have five minutes before I walk out that door." 

"I would like to speak with you about the extensive conditioning you received as a child."

"You were there." She whispered. "You were there when he broke me...when he forced himself into my subconscious. I'm not sure that I could tell you anything you don't already know." She shivered in response to her memories.

"I remember it well. I only wish to know how you feel about it now."

"I'm kriffing angry, how do you expect me to feel?" 

"So you hold no loyalty to him now whatsoever?"

"Of course I don't! He lied to me!" She was fuming.

"So you understand that the things he made you do were wrong," Anakin was treading carefully.   
"And I'm not only talking about the assassinations."

She stilled. "I was serving the Empire to the best of my ability...I was gathering intel. He told me I was a great asset."

"No Mara. He offered up your virtue to a 67 year old moff in the hopes of wining his favor. There was nothing 'great' about what he did...what he subjected you to."

"I've never known anything else." She whispered. 

"Is that why you didn't fight back on Corellia?"

"Yes."

He nodded sadly. "Let Luke help you. With his proficiency in the force he can help you break through the remainder of the Emperors conditioning. You will have to trust him immensely."

"I already do."

"Good. Then half the battle has already been won."

"Why do you appear to me and not your own son? Asking for a friend."

He chuckled. "It is easier to communicate with you because I know you. In all honesty, my son is a stranger to me. A stranger that i regret not getting to know."

"Why haven't you tried to make things right with him?"

"I...I don't know."

"All knowing my ass." She mumbled earning a grin from the ex-sith lord who had suddenly moved down a few spaces on her shit list.

 

* * * * * * * *

Luke stood before the council, preparing to adjourn the morning meeting. "If there is nothing else on the agenda for this morning, then--"

"Actually," Cilghal spoke up, there is one more thing i believe we need to discuss."

"Of course." 

"Mara has not yet taken the entrance exam."

"Is there any doubt that she is force sensitive?" He asked the council offensively. 

"No that is not it at all master, I merely wanted to state that she is obviously well ahead of any other student. Perhaps you could administer a placement test, if you will, instead of the typical psychic probe for force sensitivity." 

"I see."

"We believe it would be wise to know if she would be better off teaching or learning in certain areas, that is assuming she is willing."

"Of course. I will speak to her on the matter this evening after her classes. Anything else?"

This time the voice belonged to streen. "Master, you seem distant and your force presence has turned inward."

Luke knew it was time to come clean with his dearest friends and fellow Jedi. "Mara Jade has given me a lot to think about." He decided to elaborate. These people were similar to his light saber, they were an extension of him. He owed them this much. "She knew my father. She knows so much about him...it's weighing on my mind." He confessed. "I'm trying to avoid the same mistakes he made."

"Master," Corran piped in "if you ever come even close to that, I will sedate you myself." 

"Thank you." Luke smiled whole heartedly. He felt surprisingly lighter as he headed for his morning class.

 

That is, until he ran into his twin sister.

 

"Luke! I've been looking for you all morning!" She exclaimed.

"Sorry Ley, I had to take care of a few things earlier. I've got a class in about fifteen minutes. Walk with me?" 

She took his proffered arm and they walked the main corridor at a leisurely pace.

"So how are things going with the new initiates?"

"Cut the fodder Leia, I know that's not why you have been looking for me." He flashed her a endearing grin.

"You know me so well little brother." 

He snorted loudly at her ridiculous assumption of being older. 

"So tell me what is bothering you, I promise I will only listen." She prayed to the force that Tionne's advice proved to be useful.

Luke stopped suddenly in the middle of the empty corridor and turned to face Leia. 

"It's Mara. She has been opening up about her past...about our father. I'm having a difficult time processing everything and I've been feeling very indifferent lately. I can't even kriffing meditate." His voice was strained and It was then that Leia noticed the dark circles under his eyes.

"Luke..." She placed her hand on his shoulder.

"No Leia. You said you would only listen." His voice was firm and she nodded apologetically.   
"Mara isn't the hardened assassin everyone assumes she is. She has been taken advantage of her entire life. She wants to change...hell she has changed." He began to run his fingers through his hair. "She is softer now. More open...and it's kriffing amazing! It's like breathing in the freshest breath of oxygen after living in a polluted wasteland your entire life. She has had to start over from scratch so many times." Luke took a deep breath before continuing.

"She swears she isn't broken but there are definitely some cracks."

Leia couldn't stop the tears spilling down her cheeks. "You love her." It wasn't a question. 

The look he gave her was so full of hope and love that the damn completely broke and she began to weep freely. 

Like pulled his twin sister into his arms and sent her a wave of comfort. "I think I have for years...but my timing is off as usual." 

"Is she seeing someone?"

"No but--"

"Then I don't see what the problem is. Just tell her how you feel. If she hasn't stabbed you already then I don't think she ever will." 

Leia's banter always made him feel better. There was so much comfort in talking to someone who was of the same flesh and blood as him. It grounded him and not in a bad way. 

"I wish it were so simple Ley. Mara is really hurting right now...trust me, she isn't ready for anything more than friendship and she specifically told me not to push her." He immediately worried that he had revealed too much but it didn't seem to phase Leia. 

"How about we all meet for drinks tonight in the mess? You know Han brought his entire collection of vintage corellian whiskey. He never travels without it...it will be like old times."

He hesitated briefly before nodding his head. "Sure thing Ley."

 

* * * * * * * *

 

"Come on Jade! You've got to be quicker than that!" Corran teased as they broke into the clearing in front of the temple. He was slightly ahead of her, much to her irritation, and she pushed herself harder to keep up. 

A morning run through the thick jungle was exactly what she needed today. Her mind was clear for the first time in a long time and her hand was healing rapidly. It was still pretty bruised but she could almost make a fist. They sprinted up the steps, jumping over/dodging innocent bystanders and Mara was pleasantly surprised to see Mirax Terrik-Horn waiting for them at the top of the stairs. 

"Mirax!" Mara called as she put her hands on her knees and tried to catch her breath.

"Mara! When did you get here?"

"A few days ago, I'm finishing my training."

"Did you get tired of Luke nagging you about it?"

"Something like that." Mara replied with a smirk.

"And how is my favorite wife doing?" Corran asked as he stepped towards her with open arms.

"First of all, I had better be your only wife, and second, you are sweaty and disgusting so don't even think about it!"

Corran gave her his best 'I'm insulted' look which earned him an over exaggerated eye roll.

"Don't worry Mirax, I'll clean him up for you." Mara said with a mischievous grin. 

"Do your worst." She whispered with an equally mischievous grin.

"I never should have introduced you two! I knew you would eventually turn my own wife against me." Corran held his hands up in self defense as his feet slowly lifted off the ground. "Damn it Jade! Put me down!"

Mara managed a soft chuckle, but if she was completely honest, levitating the Jedi was taking all of her concentration. Drawing on every bit of her force strength, she managed to levitate Corran the entire distance to the large fountain behind Mirax. She lowered him slightly before releasing her grip, sending the cursing pilot splashing into the water. Mara collapsed in a fit of laughter when he attempted to get up but only managed to slip and crash into the water once more, face first.   
Mirax offered Mara a hand. 

"Come on, lets go get some lunch. We have a lot of scheming and catching up to do!" 

Mara accepted her help and walked into the temple with the only real female friend she ever had.

 

* * * *.* * * *

 

When she finished her last class for the day, advanced katas, Mara headed back to her room in desperate need of a shower. She had forgotten how humid Yavin IV was, but the chafing underneath her workout clothes would no doubt prevent that from happening again. She was mulling over her latest conversation with Vader.

"I only wish to know how you feel about it now."

Her entire "childhood" was cold and sterile when it wasn't covered in blood. There was no love; no one to keep her safe. Instead there was fear, psychic conditioning, and the most horrendous torture sessions that would make even Ponc Gavrisom queasy. There was hunger and tears and force lightning...and absolutely no hope. Until she submitted fully to the Emperor. She never even got to mourn the broken child who died at his feet only to rise again as a cold and calculated killer. 

She stopped abruptly at her door, recalling Vader's words one more time.

"I only wish to know how you feel about it now."

She was wrong when she answered him the first time. She was no longer angry, she didn't have the energy for that. What she felt in the pit of her stomach was an overwhelming sense of grief for the innocent child she once was. Slipping into her room, she sank to her knees and wept for everything that had been taken from her.

 

* * * * * * * *


	5. Hello Darkness, My Old Friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara feels the rawest form of pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****TRIGGER WARNING*****
> 
> The following chapter depicts graphic descriptions of self harm. If you feel uncomfortable with this topic, then please skip this chapter. Most of us have been there at some point but there is always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem.
> 
> Love and prosperity always,
> 
> KlivianJade

Luke dejectedly made his way to the central hub of the Jedi temple: the mess hall. He had promised Leia that he would join them for drinks and he wasn't one to break a promise. 

That didn't mean his heart was in it.

He searched for Mara earlier in the hopes that she would join them, but she was adamant on staying in her quarters tonight, claiming she was exhausted from the days activities. Following her request not to be pushed, he said goodnight and left to join his friends.

The liquor was flowing as well as Han Solo's exaggerated account of the battle of Hoth. Even the Solusar's decided to unwind and reminisce. All in all it should have been a good time, except the fact that the Jedi Master felt empty without his best friend making slightly off color jokes at his side. Something just felt off.

He decided to chalk it up to too much stress and not enough down time as he focused his attention back to his Corellian brother in law and his ridiculous hand gestures. However, nothing escaped his twin sister. Times like these, he found the 'twin bond' to be rather annoying.

"Luke, she said she was tired. Just enjoy yourself for once and forget everything else."

If only she knew.

"Sorry Ley, I just have a lot on my mind."

"More reason for you to relax and have a drink."

He nodded in agreement as he took another sip of fifty year old Corellian vintage.

\---------------

Mara Jade sat on the couch in her sparse living room, completely numb with grief. She had never allowed herself to feel emotions so deeply and while the tears were cleansing, it just wasn't enough. She briefly considered cleaning herself up and joining the others, but she just couldn't seem to pull herself together long enough to walk to the door. Her thoughts were racing and her anxiety had reached an all time high. She began to feel a tingling sensation in her hands and feet and it was just too much for Mara to stomach. When she reached the peak of her panic attack, she began to scream. Thank the force for sound barriers, because she didn't want to inflict her pain on anyone else, let alone the younglings.

It was all so new to her; these feelings of raw, aching desolation. She was trained not to "feel" anything. Kriff that man who took her from her family and picked her apart like she was some common hydrospanner, altering the pieces of her that he found displeasing. 

The desolation she felt was unbearable and she simply wanted it all to end. It was just too much. Eyeing the razor sharp vibroblade resting on the caf table, she began to contemplate what it would feel like to finally have a release, one that was of her choosing. She crawled on her hands and knees in the darkness until her hand gripped the blade's ornamental handle. 

It had been a gift from the Emperor himself. How many lives had she taken with that very blade? How much blood had been spilled by her hands? Unwillingly, her mind flashed back to the after effects of her first kill.

A young red headed girl of approximately ten years of age sitting in the shower in her quarters, fully clothed in a vain attempt to scrub the blood that stained her arms and clothing. There was so much blood. Would every target bleed this much? 

Her mind was racing and before she could form a coherent thought, the blade was poised over a thick pulsing vein on her left wrist. 'Just one deep cut and this could all be over' she thought, but as soon as the blade touched her pale flesh, the door slid open and four imperial guards rushed in to restrain her. They drug her to the throne room and tossed her on her face at the Emperors feet.

"You displease me child." His sickening voice spat at her.

"I...I'm sorry m...master. It w..won't happen again." She fought back the tears as best she could, but as usual it wasn't good enough.

"I'm afraid that you have yet to understand. Your body is mine to do as I please. Any more thoughts of scaring those pretty little arms and I will bleed you out on this very floor. And when the medics have finished stitching you back together, I will do it again. Understood?"

"Y...yes master."

"Good. Now leave me child, and go clean yourself up, you look quite pathetic."

"Yes master." She bowed before him once more before quickly exiting the throne room, careful to hold back her emotions while she avoided the gaze of the black-clad "machine" watching her every move. 

Mara opened her eyes and she was back in her dark living room, gripping the blade. How fitting it would be to slice away at her flesh. Consider it one last "kriff you" to the man that made her a cold blooded killing machine; the man who offered her young body to men four times her age for the "greater good." 

She could do this. 

Death was calling her like an old forgotten friend.

\---------------

Corran Horn sat in the lounge area of the mess hall with one arm around his wife as he poured another round for his friends. 

"C'mon Lukie! One more!" He cried.

"I think I've hit my limit Horn, and you are steadily reaching yours." He replied snidely. 

"Bleh! I've reached my limit when I'm out cold on the floor!"

"Just keep in mind that I won't be dragging you back to our quarters at the end of the night." Mirax commented and they all shared a laugh. 

Han decided it was a good time to break out the sabaac cards, and they all huddled around the small table as the corellian drunkenly shuffled the deck. 

Luke chuckled as he decided this had been a good idea after all, even though his favorite red head had turned in early.

\---------------

Mara made a small cut on her upper forearm to test the sharpness of the blade before she did some real damage. The last thing she wanted was to make a cut too shallow to pierce her vein. If she was anything at all, it was efficient. She rested her head against the back of the couch and sighed deeply. The rush was amazing and she briefly wondered why she hadn't considered this before.

"Screw you Sheeve." She muttered.

"What do you think you are doing?" 

She jumped at the sound of Anakin's voice and she slowly looked up to meet his cerulean gaze. She had never realized how much those eyes reminded her of her farmboy until now.

"You know exactly what I'm doing." She replied softly, her eyes never leaving his.

"You are being a coward Jade. I never expected you to take the easy way out."

"Leave me alone Vader." She spat. "This does not concern you." 

He knelt down to be at eye level with her. 

"You can't do this Mara."

"I can and I will."

The blade was poised over her vein as she prepared to make the final cut.

"What about Luke? Do you want him to walk in here and find your lifeless body?" 

"Trust me, farmboy will manage. He has millions of beings practically eating out of his hand. In a few years, I will be nothing more than a common casualty to him." 

"That isn't true and you know it!" He yelled.

With a flick of her wrist, Mara switched on the holosterio using the force. A heavy metal tune began to play, effectively drowning out the dead man's pleas. 

Taking a deep breath, she plunged the blade into her wrist, and with a simple upwards swipe, she effectively severed the desired vein. Dropping the vibroblade, she hung her head and took a deep cleansing breath as she mumbled, "force take me."

\---------------

Luke made his way into the kitchen area of the mess hall to retrieve some much needed glasses of water for himself and his companions when a voice startled him, causing him to drop the glass pitcher.

"My son." The ghost of Anakin Skywalker spoke softly. 

"Father?"

"Luke, I am afraid there isn't much time. You must go to Mara Jade now. Her life is in danger. You will need a medic to accompany you."

"What? But Mara said she was just tired...is she injured?"

"There is no time to explain. You must get to her immediately...and in case I do not get the opportunity to speak to you again...I am so proud of you my son. Now go!"

Without another word, the Jedi master sprinted across the mess hall, attracting a good bit of attention in the process. He pulled out his comlink and keyed in the emergency frequency for Cilghal, telling her to get to Mara's quarters as quick as possible. He shut of the com without waiting for her reply.

\---------------

Luke raced from the mess hall, heading directly to Mara's quarters. He caught a brief glimpse of the Mon Cal healer turning the corner behind him, keeping a steady pace. He reached Mara's door and found it unlocked. He had a sickening feeling in his gut as he stepped through the entry way.

The room was dark and Luke was met with a wave of loud, angry sounding music. Not the type he thought Mara would listen to. He pressed a switch on the wall, illuminating the room.

The sight he saw was heart wrenching.

Mara sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch, her head tipped back and eyes closed, however that wasn't what disturbed him.

She was covered in blood, it had begun to pool around her crossed legs and her skin was a sickly hue. A blade was clutched in her right hand, but he could still see the slight rise and fall of her chest. 

She was still breathing.

He rushed to her side, healer in tow, as he ripped off the bottom of his shirt to tie around Mara's wrist. He knew he had to stem the bleeding fast; she had already lost an enormous amount of blood. 

Cilghal began to ease Mara into a healing trance, slowing her blood flow in the process. As she slipped into the trance, Cilghal worked her way down to Mara's wrist. 

She reattached the vein and stitched the wound with bacta thread, applying bandages. It took roughly an hour and all of the healers strength. Luke had been siphoning his strength off to both Mara and Cilghal throughout the process so neither of them noticed that a group of people had gathered in the living room. 

Corran horn (having sobered himself up) stood in a silent vigil at Luke's side. Han, Leia, and the Solusars were also present. There were many more in the hallway outside, having felt the distress coming from Mara's rooms but thankfully they had the decency not to intrude.

 

"Master," Cilghal started weakly, "perhaps we should move her to the-"

"No. She wouldn't want to wake up there." He spoke without taking his eyes off her pale, lifeless face.

"Of course Master. I will send for some equipment and a few monitors."

Luke nodded once and the healer left to make the necessary calls. Luke immediately felt his sister's comforting hand resting on his shoulder, unabashed concern plastered all over her royal face. 

"Luke...is she...?"

"She is alive." He whispered. "How could I not see this?" 

"Luke, this isn't your fault."

"I should have stayed with her...I could have-"

"There is nothing you could have done Luke, just be here for her now."

\---------------

After discussing the topic with his wife multiple times, Han Solo found himself walking towards the central comm center. He really didn't want to be the one to break this news to Talon Karrde (it didn't help that he wasn't completely sober) but he knew the old smuggler would want to know. Hell, Han wouldn't be surprised if the man already knew. He simply knew everything.

After several failed attempts, he managed to input the correct frequency and then presumed to hold his breath until he saw the image of Talon Karrde appear before him.

"This had better be important Solo, it is the middle of our sleep cycle."

"Trust me Karrde, this isn't a social call." Han couldn't even manage to sound annoyed, and that worried the master trader.

"What has happened Solo?"

"You need to come to Yavin IV immediately."

"Are you insane? I'm in the middle of solidifying a promising trade agreement!"

Han's eyes darkened. "Yeah well Mara tried to kill herself about three hours ago so I think that takes presidence over a trade agreement. You are needed here."

Talon's skin took on a sickly pale shade. "I'll be there in fourteen standard hours." 

And with that, the transmission ended.

\---------------

Mara woke in a haze. Everything was blurred and distorted. She attempted to life her head off the pillow, but it was all in vain. 

Damn her nose was itching.

She lifted her right arm to scratch her face when she felt an immediate pull of resistance. Her vision cleared and she looked down to see that her arms and legs were securely restrained to the bed. A fervent sense of panic swept through her as she began to thrash against the restraints. This lasted several minutes before she noticed the other person in the room. Sitting in the corner by her bed was the Ever stoic Jedi master. She immediately took note of the visible tear tracts down his cheeks.

"This wasn't supposed to happen." She whispered. "I wasn't supposed to wake up."

"Tough shit Jade. You're awake now and I want some kriffing answers." He growled. His eyes were darker than usual, and his anger was palpable.

Mara swallowed the lump in her throat. 'Oh Gods.' She thought. 'What have I done?'

\---------------

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! All feedback is greatly appreciated.
> 
> -KlivianJade


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